Joke Time!

**zap.FREEDOM** · March 12th, 2011 10:48 AM

Originally Posted by jansky

Isang gabi, naglalakad ang isang lalaki sa may tulay nang may makita
siyang babaeng nasa taas ng gilid nito at magtatangkang magpatiwakal. "
Huwag, " sigaw ng lalaki. At sa kabutihang palad ay nakumbinsi ang babae
at siya ' y bumaba

Lalaki: Ano bang problema mo' t naisipan mong gawin yan.

Babae: Kasi, iniwan ako ng boypren ko' t sumama sa ibang babae.

Lalaki: Miss, ganyan din ang problema ko pero di ko inisip na
magpakamatay.

Babae: So, anong gagawin natin? Nag-isip sandali ang lalaki at sinabi...

Lalaki: Kung gusto mo, maghiganti tayo sa kanila.

Babae: Paanong paghihiganti?

Lalaki: Alam mo na ang ibig kong sabihin... (sabay kindat sa babae na
nakuha naman ni babae ang ipinahiwatig na yon).

Maya maya'y nasa isang kuwarto na sila ng motel at nangyari na nga ang
di dapat mangyari. Nang makaraos si lalaki, nagsindi siya ng yosi. Nang
halos filter na lang ay biglang nagsabi si babae ng:

"Maghiganti ul! i tayo " .Medyo pagod, pero pinagbigyan uli niya ang
request ni babae.Nang makaraos uli, nagsindi uli si lalaki ng yosi. Nasa
kalahati ! pa lang ang yosi.

Babae: Maghiganti uli tayo.

Medyo nangangatog na ang mga tuhod pero dahil sa hilig, muling
pinagbigyan niya si babae. Muling nakaraos ang dalawa. Nagsindi uli si
lalaki ng yosi.! Unang hitit pa lang niya ay

Babae: Ganti uli tayo. Talagang lupaypay na si manoy niya pero para
huwag mapahiya ay muling pinagbigyan niya ang kahilingan ng babae.
Pagkatapos kumuha siya ng yosi. Sisindihan pa lang nang biglang...

Babae: Ganti uli tayo.

Lalaki: ' TANGNA NAMAN! PATAWARIN NA NATIN SILA!!!!

makahanap nga ng mayayang gustong maghiganti

....hahahha!!!!

**SiRbossR** · March 13th, 2011 02:25 AM

Hahahahahahahahahahahaha

**carlos** · March 14th, 2011 04:08 PM

Si mommy D

**nervenllarena** · March 15th, 2011 11:25 AM

A MAN'S ***UAL ANATOMY ANALYSED

A research group at the University of Western Ontario conducted a study to determine why the head of a penis is larger than the shaft. After spending hundreds of thousands of dollars, during months of research, they concluded that the head of a penis is larger than the shaft, to give the woman more pleasure during ***.

Scientists at the Queen's University questioned the findings and proceeded with their own study. After spending thousands of dollars, and after weeks of research, they concluded that head of penis is larger than the shaft, to give the man more pleasure during ***.

The research staff at the University of Waterloo thought both studies were incorrect. Spending twenty dollars for three days days of research, they determined that the head of a penis is larger than the shaft to prevent the man's hand from flying off and hitting him in the forehead!

**nervenllarena** · March 15th, 2011 11:26 AM

A woman's husband was watching a football game and she was bored. So she went outside and decided to pick up the trash in the yard. After a while, the husband came outside and was watching her work when he said, "You know, your butt is as big as that BBQ grill". She didn't say anything, she just kept working. That night he crawled into bed and she turned her back to him. He asked her why she didn't want to have *** with him, and she said, "Why should I fire up this big old BBQ grill for just one little weenie like that ?!?

**nervenllarena** · March 15th, 2011 11:34 AM

A man moves into a nudist colony. He receives a letter from his mother asking him to send her a current picture. Too embarrassed to let her know that he lives in a nudist colony he cuts one in half and sends her the top part. Later he receives another letter asking him to send a picture to his grandmother. The man cuts another picture in half, but accidentally sends the bottom half. He is really worried when he realizes that he sent the wrong part, but then remembers how bad his grandmother's eyesight is and hopes she won't notice. A few weeks later he receives a letter from his grandmother. It says, "Thank you for the picture. Change you hair style...it makes your nose look too long."

**jansky** · March 15th, 2011 12:19 PM

Ganito magbigay ng masamang balita

KUMIRIRING ang telepono nang madaling araw....

"Hello, Master Carlos? Si Arnaldo po ito, 'yung
katiwala niyo sa
bahay-bakasyunan niyo."

"O, Mr. Arnaldo, ikaw pala. Ano't napatawag ka? May
problema ba?

"Um, napatawag lang po ako para abisuhan kayo na
namatay ang alaga
niyong
parrot."

"'Yung parrot kong si Pikoy, patay? 'Yung nanalo sa
bird show?

"Opo, Master Carlos, 'yun na nga po."

"Putris ... sayang! Ang laki pa naman ng nagastos ko
sa ibong 'yon.
Hay, buhay!
Teka, ano nga ba ang ikinamatay niya?"

"E, kumain po kasi ng bulok na karne...."

"Bulok na karne? At sino namang salbaheng tao ang
nagpakain sa kanya
ng bulok
na karne?"

"! W-Wala po. Nanginain po siya ng karne ng isang
patay na kabayo."

"Patay na kabayo? Anong patay na kabayo, Mr Arnaldo?"

"E, 'yun pong mga thoroughbred horses niyo, Sir.
Namatay po kasi
lahat sila sa
pagod, kahihila ng kariton ng tubig."

"Nasisiraan ka na ba ng bait? Anong kariton ng
tubbbiiiiggggg?"

"'Yun pong pinampatay namin ng sunog."

"Diyos ko po! Anong sunog naman 'yang pinagsasasabi
mo?"

"'Yun pong halos tumupok sa bahay niyo..... Tumumba po
'yung isang
nakasinding
kandila, tapos nagliyab 'yung kurtina at mabilis na
kumalat ang
apoy...."

"Ano? Puuut.... E, may kuryente naman diyan sa
bahay-bakasyunan, a.
Para saan
'yung kandila?"

"Para sa burol po."

"Ano? Kaninong burol?

"Sa nanay n'yo po, Sir. Bigla kasi siya dumating dito
nu'ng isang
gabi, walang
kaabi-abiso. Lampas hatinggabi na. Akala ko po
magnanakaw. Binaril
ko."

**nervenllarena** · March 17th, 2011 03:40 PM

A woman was in town on a shopping trip.

She began her day finding the most perfect shoes in the first shop and a beautiful dress on sale in the second.

In the third everything had just been reduced to a fiver when her mobile phone rang

It was a female doctor notifying her that her husband had just been in a terrible accident and was in critical condition and in the ICU. The woman told the doctor to inform her husband where she was and that she’d be there as soon as possible.

As she hung up she realized she was leaving what was shaping up to be her best day ever in the shops. She decided to get in a couple of more shops before heading to the hospital. She ended up shopping the rest of the morning, finishing her trip with a cup of coffee and a beautiful slice of cake complimentary from the last shop. She was jubilant. Then she remembered her husband.

Feeling guilty, she dashed to the hospital. She saw the doctor in the corridor and asked about her Husband’s condition. The lady doctor glared at her and shouted, "You went ahead and finished your shopping trip didn’t you!

I hope you’re proud of yourself! While you were out for the past four hours enjoying yourself in town, your husband has been languishing in the Intensive Care Unit! It’s just as well you went ahead and finished, because it will be more than likely the last shopping trip you ever take! For the rest of his life he will require round the clock care. And you’ll now be his carer!"

The woman was feeling so guilty she broke down and sobbed.........
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.

The lady doctor then chuckled and said,

"I’m just pulling your leg.

He’s dead. What did you buy?"

**cydepx44** · March 17th, 2011 04:24 PM

Originally Posted by nervenllarena

A woman was in town on a shopping trip.

She began her day finding the most perfect shoes in the first shop and a beautiful dress on sale in the second.

In the third everything had just been reduced to a fiver when her mobile phone rang

It was a female doctor notifying her that her husband had just been in a terrible accident and was in critical condition and in the ICU. The woman told the doctor to inform her husband where she was and that she’d be there as soon as possible.

As she hung up she realized she was leaving what was shaping up to be her best day ever in the shops. She decided to get in a couple of more shops before heading to the hospital. She ended up shopping the rest of the morning, finishing her trip with a cup of coffee and a beautiful slice of cake complimentary from the last shop. She was jubilant. Then she remembered her husband.

Feeling guilty, she dashed to the hospital. She saw the doctor in the corridor and asked about her Husband’s condition. The lady doctor glared at her and shouted, "You went ahead and finished your shopping trip didn’t you!

I hope you’re proud of yourself! While you were out for the past four hours enjoying yourself in town, your husband has been languishing in the Intensive Care Unit! It’s just as well you went ahead and finished, because it will be more than likely the last shopping trip you ever take! For the rest of his life he will require round the clock care. And you’ll now be his carer!"

The woman was feeling so guilty she broke down and sobbed.........
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.

The lady doctor then chuckled and said,

"I’m just pulling your leg.

He’s dead. What did you buy?"

**xoom** · March 17th, 2011 05:40 PM

As always! Madaling araw na naman nakauwi si Rikardo galing sa inuman at
lasing na lasing. Pagdating nya ay tulog na ang kanyang misis kaya tumabi
nalang sya sa kama at natulog na rin. Kinaumagahan, Sa muling pagmulat ng
mata ni Rikardo ay nakita nya na ang katabi ay isang lalaki, bigla syang
nagulat at bumangon!

Rikardo: Sino ka! At ano ginagawa mo dito sa kwarto namin?!

San Pedro: Huminahon ka Rikardo. Hindi ito ang kwarto nyo
at ako ay si San Pedro.

Rikardo: Ha? Kung ganon patay na ako!

San Pedro: Ganon na nga iho.

Rikardo: HINDI!!! HINDI ITO PWEDE! Ang dami ko pang hindi nagagawa. Ang
dami ko pang naiwan sa mundo! Maawa ka San Pedro pabalikin mo ako sa
lupa kahit man lang para makapagpaalam sa mga mahal ko sa buhay! Huhuhu....

San Pedro: Teka huminahon ka. Hindi ka na pwede bumalik bilang ikaw pero
pwede kita i-reincarnate bilang isang inahing manok o bayawak!

Rikardo: Mmmm...kung bayawak baka mapatay uli agad ako. Inahing manok
nalang po San Pedro, pero ilagay nyo po ako dun sa bukid namin para
maging malapit ako sa pamilya ko!

San Pedro: OK pagbibigyan ko ang kagustuhan mo.

At muling nabuhay si Rikardo bilang isang inahing manok. Nakita
nya ang sarili na puno ng balahibo at kasama nya ang ibang mga inahing
manok sa bukid nila. Kinausap sya ng isa pang inahing manok na si Susy.

Rikardo: Whew, isa na akong manok ganito pala ang feeling. Teka
bakit parang umiinit ang tyan ko at kumukulo?

Susy: Ikaw ba yung bagong manok dito? Ganyan talaga ang pakiramdam
kapag malapit ka na mangitlog. Magrelax ka lang at hayaan mo syang
dumaloy.

Rikardo: Ano? Mangingitlog ako!!!. Oo nga pala inahin nga pala ako kaya
normal lang siguro yun.

Kahit medyo kinakabahan si Rikardo ay sinunod nya si Susy at nailabas nya
ang unang itlog. Matapos mailabas ang itlog ay guminhawa ang pakiramdam ni Rikardo.

Rikardo: Wow ganito pala ang pakiramdam ng mangitlog, napakasarap!
Ngayon ko lang naramdaman ito. Para akong isang ina na nagsilang ng
sangol! Napakasarap...ngayon ko lang naramdaman ito....pero teka bakit
parang meron pa?

Susy: Hwag ka mag-alala di tulad ng tao, tayong mga manok kaya
natin mangitlog ng isa hangang walo, kaya magrelax ka lang at hayaan mo
silang lumabas

Rikardo: Ganon ba? O sige. Maraming salamat Susy! Hindi ko maintindihan
ang nararamdaman ko pero totoong nakaka-antig ng damdamin.

At muli na namang nangitlog si Rikardo. Gumaan muli ang pakiramdam nya.
Napangiti at nasabi nya sa sarili nya na ito ang pinakamasarap na
naramdaman nya sa buong buhay nya kahit na noon namumuhay pa sya bilang
isang tao. Halos mapaluha sya sa galak. Naghahanda na sanang ilabas ni
Rikardo ang pangatlo nyang itlog nang biglang may matigas na bagay na pumalo
sa ulo nya at may narinig syang malakas na sigaw.

Misis: Hoooy Put**%*#! Mo! Gumising kang demonyo ka! Bakit
ka tumatae sa kama!!!